Automatic strength. The kind I don’t have to negotiate with my body – or my mind -for…I simply will it, on demand. Endless reservoirs of back up power, available at the blink of an eye.
This is the strong me. The kind of ‘lift-a-car-off-your-kid’ in an emergency kind of innate strength. Not a front, rather truly a part of who I am. While this strength has proven to be available, yet completely exhausting. Calling upon this strength comes with a huge cost – it requires at least 4x the energy expended in order to recover.
In times like this, I find it helpful to remember that This Too Shall Pass.
ENTER: SURVIVAL MODE
For as long as I can remember, I’ve had to do it all. My independence streak runs deep. For better, or for worse. Won’t bore you with the details – and I certainly don’t want pity…
Rough childhood would be putting it mildly. Raised my sisters since elementary school. Moved out at 13. Raised my son since I myself, was a child. Working to pay bills. Paying bills instead of being alive. Its become a really bad habit – putting myself second to everything.
Keeping busy being busy. Jumping around wearing so many hats – and I’m not sure exactly why anymore.
So now, I’ve got myself strung so tight…I’ve got this big house that no one can be bothered to help me with. Trying to complete a University degree [failing, quite miserably]. While working way too much because one income simply isn’t enough to maintain a lifestyle – not an overly grandiose or pretentious one either – simply a roof, some food and a vehicle.
During a temporary lapse in sanity this Spring, I adopted two adorable puppy-brothers (super glad I did though) because they provide enduring Happiness as I deal with the burdens of everyday life.
While slogging through year eight of an exhausting civil-legal following an MVA, which, now forces me to endure chronic, daily, lower body pain – for which, I take extensive pain killers [prescribed, of course]. When those don’t cut it, I get to choose between quarterly cortisone injections, or perhaps medical marijuana in order to be able to walk, to sit, to drive, to sleep…to function without numb fingers or a stabbing pain from my left buttock down to the bottom of my toes. So many exciting options.
As an added bonus, I also have Acne. And Grey hair. Neither are fun, but seeing Sara giggle because she thinks it’s hilarious lifts my spirits. But let’s get serious…teenagers – either awesome or horrible. Not much middle ground there. Somewhere in there…all the house stuff (groceries, banking, Christmas cards, etc.). So, unfortunately, it goes without saying that I don’t often ask for help. Even when people offer help, I’m apt to thank them profusely, then politely decline. Insistently. To a fault.
This is my weakness – which I’ve been [not-so-cleverly] parading around as strength.
I’m learning [the hard way] that what I have perceived as strength for a really long time, is actually my kryptonite.
ENTER: RECLUSION [also known as AVOIDANCE]
Thought I’d share that in an effort to spare a you the trouble…
Avoidance is not a strategy, FYI.
When my ‘f^*k-it-bucket’ quota breaches the brim, I shut everything down…finding solace in the darkness and reprieve in the quiet. If I’ve shut you out at some point, been a bad friend and not called, not responded or reached out – I apologize…it’s a glitch in my auto-response, and I’m – finally – aware of it. Thankfully. But perhaps more importantly, I see a way to change it.
ENTER: FORGETFULNESS [usually hangs out with STRESS]
I can go days and totally forget things. We’re talking urgent things. The more I stack on my plate, the worse it gets. Forgetful. Then stressed. Or stressed. Then forgetful. As if the sequence of events matters – they come as a package deal – and collectively, they’re a ticking time bomb.
Money is – unfortunately – the King of my castle; holding my sanity and dreams prisoner.
If the Prince represents the KEY to achieving the life I KNOW I was born to live…unfolding all the answers and solutions to what’s been holding me back…
And the Damsel in Distress represents my oh-so-coveted Autonomy and Legacy…
… then …
The busy things I’ve been filling my life with represent the Vigilant Dragon, guarding who the Castle Keep. Sadly, I am the Dragon.
ENTER: OVERCOMING OVERWHELM
Sometimes I find life extremely overwhelming – but when I stop and really observe what’s going on…take a mental inventory of all the moving parts.
My next breakthrough is only slightly out of reach, sitting precariously perched atop the pivot-point of the Teeter-Totter of life…the irony of it all…
…is that my weight is on both sides.
What I have done in the past weighs on the low end, versus what I need to do to move forward and bring about new results on the other.
I realize that at the exact moment when I recognize the overwhelm – when I’m about to admit defeat…that very moment is in fact the fulcrum…
…whether I choose to concede and continue hammering out rock solid, gold metal worthy projects for someone else…or…persist until I succeed…and work as hard for myself as I do for other people.
This one I need to negotiate with myself in order draw it out. This is for sure not in my DNA – but I promise you I am trying to write it into my code because I recognize the tremendous power of it all.
When my Greatness begins to shine is exactly when Resistance – the Universal Dream Stealer – throws more obstacles into my path. Relentlessly. Fortunately, I am both knowledgeable and wise when it comes to these old tricks – because I analyze when things seem insurmountable, I can easily recognize patterns.
Over the years, the lessons have proven – again and again – that it truly is darkest before dawn, yet when it seems all light has been extinguished, a flicker still remains – found within the innate strength we talked about earlier.
This is confirmation from the Universe that I’m doing the right things to attract Autonomy and Legacy, verifying I’m on the right path. Because as we determined earlier, it’s always darkest before dawn, and I can say with confidence that the Sun is always shining in my world, so it’s this magical decision between old and new, between stuck and free, between my past and my future – this simple decision is where the magic happens!!
The warrior within takes the lead and carries on. Paying no heed to the crippling circumstance, blissfully ignorant to the seemingly insurmountable odds, instead – like a champion – ploughing through the obstacle course of life…reliable…relentless…victorious. This is one facet of my Valkyrie.
ENTER: RECLAIMING CONTROL
Running around doing all the stuff that isn’t moving me closer to my goals and all I want to be doing is building a secret business watching Tracey suffer a yes or no true residual income meanwhile I’m going to work showing condos my daughters at home contemplating suicide and I’m driving all around and doing all the work and completely neglecting my house and my myself my daughter I’m not there I’m not present as a parent and making somebody else rich doing it.
Enough. This is how I feel about my ability to push through – *Facing the Giants | Death Crawl Scene*
It’s my turn now. I’m going to affix my own mask – or I will be unable to help others achieve their own greatness…not on my back, rather by my side.
Theory that people need identity outside of parent only or kids move out and they go crazy. So what kind of super hero have you been facading as? I REALIZED I don’t need to choose just one response – I simply need to control the extenuating circumstances in my life so that all of my strong suits can operate harmoniously.
I am whole, harmonious, peaceful, happy, humble, caring and kind.